A Test of Strength

I had a recent personal situation I would like to share with you all.

Through out recovery I've always made decisions based on protecting my health. I've been so focused on maintaining balance, I was afraid to push further, afraid to take a few risks.

About a month ago I got a phone call from my mother. My father was very sick, he has just had an aneurysm burst in his head, he had a 25% chance of making it and I had to fly home.

The shock hit about halfway through the phone call, and I had to give the phone to my roommate. I started to black out and heard "Breathe Jill, Breathe". Slowly the room started to come back into focus, along with my brain, and I numbly packed whatever my roommate told me to throw in the suitcase and headed home.

Dad survived the operation, and hour by hour our wait began. With the recovery process his brain could spasm and force a stroke, and his brain could spasm for 2 weeks straight. His blood pressure was some days at 220 / 175, and some days not much less. We all held our breaths, hours gratefully turned into days. Each minute was like a blessing.

The bad news struck Day 4, just like clockwork Dad started spasming, and he stroked. Since he wasn't conscious, he barely knew what was happening. We knew if he stroked again, he wouldn't make it. We also knew we had a long haul.

Through the next few days he got movement back in his left side, and started responding when he was woken up. One day he knew his name. Most days he was a vegetable, with a brain tap in his head.

Visiting was restricted to 2 at a time, for the last 15 minutes of every hour and that was it. He was in NEURO ICU, and his care was so intensive, we had to stay away.

About day 8 he contracted the "Super Bug" MRSA. In his brain stem. Mom collapsed, this was not what he needed. Dad was quarantined, and we put on a high does of anti-biotic. Two days later his kidneys started shutting down. All the while his blood pressure was through the roof. Finally a cardiologist was called in, he convinced the neurologists to get it down.

The night before I left to go home, my Dad was just visited by the cardiologist, and he just woke up. Day 17 and his eyes opened, and he smiled at us and began teasing us. I told my Dad I loved him and we sat and laughed as he made faces and made us laugh. I'm sure he was trying to reassure us that he was OK, and that maybe he knew who we were.

That was the first night in 17 days I left my Dad thinking he would make it through the night. I hugged him and he hugged me back..as much as a restrained man can that is.

The next day he was back to zombie status, but as I got on the plane I thought, he's going to pull through. But even more shocking was what I realized next..

I'm going to pull through this.

My Dad is far from recovered, in fact he still has the super bug. Physically, he will be fine, and his memories are solid, but ever since the stroke is fuzzy, and short term is shot at this point. He rarely can understand still he is in the hospital.

Since returning to work, I've found I've been emotional at times, like an onset of depression again. I can feel the cracks slowly eroding at my facade, but I take a walk and its OK.

Deep breathes help, and I realized something important from the Neuro Nurse.

She explained that my Dad probably won't remember much, as the brain protects us from recognizing the full severity of what we have gone through, and sometimes it won't ever give it to us all.

When I stop to look at the huge picture I start to panic, and then I realize, one day at a time, one thought at a time, one cry at a time. As it comes, as I need it. Some days will suck, some will be wonderful, but I know that I'm handling it as it comes, as I'm ready for it. My brain protects me too.

My Dad is my closest family, its hard to define if I'm alone right now, if he's ever going to be the same. I'm in limbo, and will be for a long time. This is truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and you know what?

I'm doing OK.

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